A good divorce
Today (13 Nov 2011), there was an article titled ‘The good divorce’ by Susan Gregory Thomas in the Sunday Times. I was impressed with how much effort they put in, to minimise the negative impact their divorce has on their children.
The article first appeared in the New York Times on 31 Oct 2011 and there were 72 comments by readers on their views on a ‘good divorce’.
Some of the comments were about how they themselves managed to have a ‘good divorce’, with children going freely in between them and doing dinners occasionally. Some comments were on how it would be better to divorce than stay together in a destructive relationship.
“I suspect that children raised in ‘bad’ marriages would fare the same, or likely worse, than children of divorce.”
On the other hand, there were comments on how divorces are always bad for the children, and even children who grew up from ‘good divorce’ are scarred their whole life.
The comments which I personally align myself to, are those which talk about working on the marriages. A reader rightly pointed out – “perhaps the harm is not from the divorce, but from the parental dysfunction, either within a marriage that does not break up, or in the broken marriage.” I also like this quote “You would be surprised the degree to which the behavior in marriage tracks the behavior in divorce. Was there lots of verbal abuse in the marriage? Why should the divorce be any different? If you want to know how your divorce is going to go – look into yourself.”
I can understand how a ‘good divorce’ is not possible if the marriage was abusive, or if the other party was negligent towards the family in the first place. So a ‘good divorce’ is likely only possible in situations when both parties care sufficiently for the children to want to do the hard work of close communication and going the extra mile. A mother said that she and her ex made a pact not to speak negatively of each other in front of their children, and they kept it. They also agree on how to raise their children. Wow! My husband and I (who are working daily on staying married) cannot even do that!
My question is – did they do the same while being married and did they do the same level of communication and strive for the same level of understanding in other areas of their marriage?
Of course, if the decision for a divorce has already been made, then it is always better to have a ‘good divorce’ than a toxic one. But if you can achieve a ‘good divorce’, can you put in the same amount of effort to achieve a good marriage?
As mentioned in our introduction for this website, love consists of the emotions, the will and actions. While the feelings of love may be gone, we can continue to love through our actions. When we divorce, our children will not understand that his father and mother stopped feeling love for each other. They will only see that their parents have given up on trying to love each other. As a child, I used to think that if my parents ever divorced, it is because they do not love me enough. I can certainly identify with this comment:-
“Can you have a ‘good divorce?’ Yes, couples can. The kids can’t. Kids know a lie”.
A reader said this:-
“Good divorce or bad, good marriage or bad, the single greatest issue we face in beginning or ending relationships is our ability to evolve above our own self-interests.”
Something happened recently in our family. We were in the car and Edmund said something which I felt, undermined my authority in front of the children. I was furious with him. I gave him the cold treatment, and decided to withdraw my involvement with the children (“Well, since you think that I have no authority over the children, then you can take care of the children yourself”).Later in the night, I sulked in the room. The children were playing and suddenly Samuel (5) started bawling away. I hardened my heart and stayed in the room, choosing to remain angry with my husband. The poor boy must have cried for close to 20 minutes while the father was in the showers. Strangely, Samuel did not come looking for me, as he usually would. He must have felt something different in the air.
Suddenly, I had this thought – “Do I love my children more than I love myself?”. I realised then, that I was choosing to love myself more than my children. I had chosen to hold on to my anger, demanding justice from my husband, instead of letting it go so I could attend to my child. I realised then, that if I truly love my children, I will love (in the will and through my actions) my husband. For that night, it meant making peace with him over the incident.
So I made the choice – I will work on the marriage even if it means injustice to myself (which is untrue – my husband is a kind and gentle man though imperfect!). I will do that, because I do love my children more than myself.
Of course, this is a small matter compared to what many divorced parents have gone through. But I think that relationships start breaking down from tiny cracks.A reader said : “Don’t you want your children to see you happy and don’t you want your children to see a good relationship instead of one that includes fighting and bickering all the time?” Yes, I want my children to see me happy and in a good relationship. But I want my children to see me happy not just in any relationship, but in the relationship with their father.
We must learn to be authentic in our relationships. Maybe I am too hard on myself, but I do not think I can honestly say that I love my children, unless I love their father. And loving my children more than myself will therefore mean loving their father more than myself. ~ Elisa
