Whyforth art thou a SAHM?
Yesterday’s Straits Times (Lifestyle) had two excellently written letters about the purpose behind a mother staying at home. Dr Theresa Yap wrote:-
“A parent should not stay home just to study with the child. This will kill any love of study. If the parent balances work and play, emphasises the right values, and focuses on effort and not marks, the child’s academic progress will definitely be boosted.
On the other hand, a stay-home parent who frequently directs the child at every step is a pain and resentment will build up in the child, causing long-term mental scars. It is better that such a parent continues to work.”
Ms Evelyn Loh wrote:-
“It is problematic to postulate that the direct outcomes of a mother who stays home to supervise her child are the awards and distinctions the child gets. This discredits mothers whose children do not have any accolades to boast of, but who have helped their children grow up to become well-adjusted individuals. On the other hand, it justifies others who inhumanely stretch their children beyond their natural abilities.”
I have been a SAHM for more than one year. My children’s academic results did not markedly improve. My husband jokingly said that I did not meet my KPI this year and so will not get any bonus this year.
To be fair, there have been SOME improvements, but I am not sure if they have been as a result of my staying at home. In fact, with less income, we have had to stop certain enrichment classes, and I often wondered whether it would have been better if I had continued working so we can afford more classes for them.
Letters like Theresa’s and Evelyn’s affirms me for what I believe in.
Such affirmation is so necessary, because people generally look towards outstanding performances as a criteria of success. When I shared with some relatives that Elkan was interested in badminton but did not make it into the CCA, one of them excitedly said I could look for a coach separately for him because he could be really talented and become a badminton champion. When I shared with a friend that Elias was keen on picking up the flute, my friend encouraged me by saying that it could be a good career for him in future.
I understand where my relatives and friend are coming from – they are trying to encourage me by saying that these are possible paths for my children to become successful. To me, this is unlike the attitude of Amy Chua, as described in her book ‘Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother’. She believes that there is not point in doing something, unless you are among the best in it.
For a long time, I believed in that. Over time, I changed. The change happened mainly because I realised that my children are ordinary. They have their moments of brilliance, and they may one day become exceptional in their chosen fields, but for the moment, they are simply ordinary kids – struggling with their studies (not a president’s scholar in the making), huffing and puffing after 15 minutes of running (not a star athlete in the making) with no musical training (not a world-class musician in the making). Unlike the author Amy Chua (whom I respect), I do not have the same iron will, in pushing my children to their fullest potential. So I settled with raising children with destiny and character.
Of course the boys are still young, and their future is still unknown (so perhaps they can still be a president’s scholar, or a star athlete or a world-class musician!), but looking at the child prodigies around us, I know that my children do not have a head-start and head-starts seem so critical in today’s world. (Once, I told a friend about how China students study from 8am to 10pm. Instead of commiserating with the students, she said:”And these are the people whom our children will compete with.”)
天生我财必有用 (God surely made me for a purpose). Our children will find their way, if we let them. So my new modus operandi is this – to allow them to pursue whatever they have an interest, and help them become good enough to enjoy some level of success (though they may not win trophies or appear on TV). Through the process, they discover themselves, build their character and we enjoy lots of wonderful family times together. I hope that when they grow up, they will not blame me for choosing this way. I am only doing what I think is best. ~ Elisa.
