When they are ready, let them go
Have you ever noticed, that children seem to grow up all of a sudden? This year, Elkan and Elias seemed to have crossed an invisible line into the world of a young adult – full of confidence and independence. I am excited, apprehensive and wistful about the whole experience.
In June this year, we went to a National Park in Puncak Indonesia. It had a huge, beautiful waterfall. Not surprisingly, the boys reached the waterfalls site much earlier than me. As soon as they set eyes on the waterfalls, something inside them stirred and they knew they had to get right beside it.
Before I could stop them, they were on their way to their chosen target. Watching them from a distance so far that I could neither stop nor help them, I was terrified. The weather was cold (less than 20 degrees Celsius) and we had no change of clothes. In my mind I was thinking – what if they fall and get hurt? What if they get completely wet??! They would have to walk in cold clothing for about 30 minutes back to where we parked our car! Oh, and we have no extra shoes!
At the same time, I was aware that they knew what they were doing. I saw them step over the stones – surefooted and steady, looking here and there for the best way to reach the waterfalls. The feeling was strange – I was fearful for them, yet incredibly proud and silently rooting for them.
They reached the waterfalls, and were exhilarated. Watching your children do something risky, and succeeding in it is fascinating, terrifying and touching.
The same thing happened for the KL & CH trip. The boys went confidently to the Lata Iskandar waterfalls (at CH), as they did at the earlier waterfalls.
Elkan and Elias did it differently this time. Elkan had his shoes on, and walked up to the waterfalls. He was happy just standing next to it.
Elias had his shoes off, his pants rolled up and went round picking up trophies and souvenirs (and joined his brother at the edge of the waterfalls later).
But each of the boys knew what they wanted, and went ahead to accomplish their purpose.
Seeing Elias grow in confidence and independence impacts me much more than seeing Elkan grow. This is because Elias had always been very close to me. As a young child, he was more timid and less confident, more sensitive and emotional; for a long time, I worried about his social interactions with boys, who are much more rough and boisterous than him.
Emotionally, I am also very attached to him, for the simple reason that he was very attached to me, and extremely affectionate. I enjoyed his undying devotion and extravagant love. At age 2, I was already dreading the day when he walks away.
At age 10, he walks away again – but of course, he still walks back this time.
I am happy that he walked back, but I am even prouder that he is learning to walk away. I believe, with great confidence that I need not worry about Elias’ ability to cope with people and environment – he will be ready, when he needs to be ready.
We cannot make our children fly earlier than they are ready – it is harmful, and unnecessary. Neither can we delay their flight once they are ready – it is counter-productive and it warps them.
How will we know when they are ready? I think that our children will show us. The best thing that a parent can do is to recognise the moment. Once they are ready, they will want to fly, and we have to let them fly. ~ Elisa
(I will write separately about how to recognise the moment and how we can let them fly).
