Give them roots and wings

The best way to measure our relationship with our children is not by how much things or time we give to them, or even by how good our communication is.

Our relationship with our children is defined by how much we enjoy them,  and how much they enjoy us.

My baby and me!

The Philea resort which we stayed in was not fantastic. The breakfast was average, and the restaurant was dirty. We were given free tickets to the butterfly and reptile garden but it rained when we were there and it was a wash-out.We recently went on two holidays in Malaysia and this concept of enjoying our children came back again to me.  The first was a 3-days 2-nights stay at Philea resort, which I reviewed at Tripadvisor. The second was a trip with two other families to KL and Cameron Highlands.

What was most frustrating was that we paid quite a lot for the stay. It was the making of a disastrous holiday, with quarelsome mum and dad (and at one point, we did cross words) and whiny and complaining children.

But we had fun. On the first day the pool had no one else but us, and the boys had fun with their water guns and a plastic ball.

I am going to shoot you!

Haha! Haha! I am going to shoot you too!

Look at all my water guns!

We are at our “private” pool!

The kids enjoyed playing together in the room. They still enjoyed the breakfast and were thrilled by the spider web and spider they discovered under the dinning table.

“Pah pah! Dish Dish Dish! Hey Ya!”

They too enjoyed the short visit to the park entrance (we could not go outdoors due to the rain).

Look at how big the creature is!

For the KL-CH trip, it was much more fruitful.  However, it was not perfect, and if we wanted to be picky, there were much to complain about.  The hotel was in Little India and our children do not take spicy food.  On our first night in KL, we were hungry and took a long time to settle upon dinner at a 1921 restaurant (in every sense of the word), at 2011 Singapore prices; we did not get to go to Petrosains although we had really looked forward to; and it was cold and wet when we went touring in CH and Edmund and Samuel did not trek in the Mossy Forest.

Although I did feel a bit bad for my friends who had to suffer with us, I felt completely happy about the children and felt no disappointment for them.  I enjoyed every part of every holiday we take with the children, no matter what happened, simply because they were with me.  I feel no disappointment for them either, because I am confident that they enjoy holidays with the family simply because, well, they are with the family.

Sam: “We both share!”

Monkeying around at the Twin Towers. Not my most flattering pose, but the kids don’t care….

Another non-award-winning photo, but hey, we were there!

Haha! We are standing on the train tracks!

Daddy and Sammy on the jeep!

We were at the train station waiting for our friends. Take a photo to remember the occasion!

Hello! We are here!

They are throwing the ‘jellly’ dolphins onto the mirror, and going into hysterics as they watch them tumble down….

Sam and his GIGANTIC strawberries!

Edmund and Sam could not trek in the Mossy Forest.  But they had fun!

During the KL-CH trip, I found Elkan and Elias playing a card game with their friends and without a thought, I blurted out: “So cute!”.  One of their other friend ran to see what I was looking at and seeing them playing, she asked “What is so cute?”  I said, “Everything my children does, is cute to me, whether they are eating, reading, shitting, sleeping”.  They all laughed.

I have come to realise that for parents and children to be able to truly enjoy each other is not a common occurence.  I have observed parents who seem to find their children a burden/chore, and I have spoken to parents do not play with their children but only coach them in their studies.  I know of parents who endeavour to feed, clothe and provide opportunities and experiences for their children. The last type of parents are responsible parents who often do all that they do, out of love, but they often value the providence for the children above the sharing and enjoyment of life with their children.

I like the self-depreciating way Amy Chua described her relationship with her dogs, with obvious reference to her relationship with her children:

“My dogs can’t do anything – and what a relief.  I don’t make any demands of them, and I don’t try to shape them or their future.  For the most part, I trust them to make the right choices for themselves.  I always look forward to seeing them, and I love just watching them sleep.  What a great relationship.”

I sometimes wish my children will grow up faster and become independent and mature more quickly.  I do spend a lot of time coaching them in their studies.  I definitely endeavour to feed, clothe and provide opportunities and experiences for them.

But I see all of these as a means to an end.  I do it all so that I can enjoy them and enjoy life with them.  You see, the children are not enjoyable when they are whiny, dirty and hungry. I can’t enjoy them when I am wondering whether they have been diligent or responsible as students.  When I bring them on holidays, it is not so much that they can have experiences to help them grow and learn and get ahead in life (although they do get that).  I bring them on holidays mainly so that they can see what a beautiful world we share.

This is another one of my mantra – ‘Enjoyment of shared experiences’.  Psychologists tell us that shared experiences (You see a flower; the child sees a flower; the child looks at you and sees that you see the flower) is the key to connectedness.  We all desire connection – there is no one more lonely than a man who had experiences (good or bad) which no one else had, because then he has no one to share them with. And on an individual level, we all want to be desired.  I enjoy being with my family and friends, but I am happiest when I know that my family and friends enjoy, and desire to be with me.

I want my children to know that I enjoy being with them (More than that – I DESIRE them!).  I want my children to know that their mere existence brings me joy.  They do not need to do anything much for me, but simply enjoying their lives and sharing them with me is sufficient for me. ~ Elisa