Give them roots and wings

I wonder how much parents know about what their children go through in school.  Or am I the only one whose children suffer abuse in the hands of their teachers?

Teachers do not physically punish children nowadays.  I remember being hit on the fingers by the edge of the ruler, and a teacher who used to pinch boys at their waist and then lift them off the ground.  I also witnessed a classmate being slapped in the face by a male teacher because he kept pestering the teacher to let the class do PE.

Our children do not suffer that nowadays, but I know that they suffer emotional abuse via ridicule, shaming and sarcasm.  Such things are unacceptable, but difficult to prove, especially when children can be unreliable witnesses and the episodes ambiguous.

Before I go on, let me state unequivocally that I have no intention of making any formal complaint about any teacher.  Unless physical abuse happens, or I suspect that the teacher has some psychological problems, I prefer to “live and let live”.  No one is perfect, and the teachers are under tremendous amount of stress and are working hard to educate my child.  Therefore, in order that no teacher be identified, I shall just talk about ‘my son”s experiences.

Once, a teacher decided to reward the class by giving them sweets and allowing them to eat them in class.  My son, who is a stickler for rules, said, “You can’t eat sweets in class”.  In response, the teacher said, “Ok, since he said this, no eating of sweets for anyone”.

Needless to say, the class was mad with my son.  I felt that the teacher was rather mean-spirited to have done this.

Another time, my son, who is hardly a model pupil, suffered some bullying. He approached the teacher about it, and it was his word against the bully’s word. The teacher’s response to my son was,”I know about you (and your behaviour), but I don’t know about him.”

My poor boy.

A teacher also said this to my son, out loud for the whole class to hear.  “You have no Respect for your teacher and therefore choose not to do your homework.  You have no Responsibility, never ever doing your work.  You have no Integrity, always lying about your excuses”

I comforted him, telling him that what the teacher said was not true, and that he is respectful, has integrity and is responsible (giving examples).  I told him, that since I know him much better than his teacher, he must trust and believe what I say about him, instead of the teacher.  As I spoke, he started to cry.  But they were tears of a child who felt comforted by the understanding of someone who loves him.

Just today, my son made a silly mistake.  It did not seem very serious to me, except that it will probably cause some administrative inconvenience.  In any case, it was not intentional, but due to a misunderstanding, although I agree that my son could have been more attentive. However, it was during an examination, and I can understand how in his anxiety to answer the examination questions, he misunderstood the instructions.

I heard from him, that his teacher was very mad.  This is a record of the conversation.

Teacher: “I want your explanation!”

 Son: “I thought you meant…. ” (In this instance, if the teacher did say what he said that she said, his interpretation is correct).

Teacher: “I wrote it on the board and drew your attention to it!”

Son :”When you said that, I was not looking at the board, I was looking at you.”

Teacher: “Don’t lie to me! Come on, when are you going to stop giving me all these excuses? Why don’t you just admit that you are wrong, and stop making excuses!”

Son : Silent (He thought: Well, you asked for it. Any explanation will be considered as an excuse).

Teacher:”For the last five years, you have been getting away with it, but in my class, you will not be able to get away with it, so stop making your silly excuses!”

Son: “I haven’t been getting away with it….”

Teacher :”Obviously you have, otherwise you wouldn’t be like that”

Son: Silent

My son felt very aggrieved.  As he has often felt. He said to me “I wasn’t trying to get away with it.  I admitted that I was wrong”, through tears.

I do not think that my son is perfect.  I am sure the teacher is completely justified in feeling anger towards him.  I have often felt extremely mad with him myself.  In addition, I really like this teacher.  From my interactions with the teacher, I think the teacher is very dedicated and is trying very hard to help my child learn his school work, and learn to be more attentive and responsible.

Yet, this new incident just adds on to my view, that children are not given the respect which they deserve.  Even I, as a parent, sometimes abuse my child through my lack of respect in the way I speak to them, or in my demand for certain behaviour and performance from them.  We will never speak the same way to our peers.

Each time these things happen, I feel so thankful that I am a Stay At Home Mum.  I am glad that I have so much more time with my boys, so I could listen to their griefs and sorrows, and help them process every episode.

I comfort my children, by telling them that what the teacher did was wrong.  I encourage my children, to continue to do the right thing – to respect the teacher even if the teacher does not respect them.  I inspire them, by telling them – that they are made of better stuff.

Parents, are you aware of what your child goes through in school?  You must ensure that you know, not so that you can get the teachers to stop, but so that you can help heal your child’s wounded spirit, and teach him the lessons to learn from it.

Our children really need that.  They need someone to assure them that they are good children, and that they are loved.  Our children can face the world, and they will find their own solutions, so long as they know that you will always stand with them, and that you will always love them.

With the risk of sounding like a overly prideful mother, I am happy for my children, that they have me.

I cry sometimes for that child out there somewhere, stranger though he/she is, who has to face it all alone.