Give them roots and wings

(Note : This is not a technical post on the NUS High DSA selection process).

The experience of going through DSA for NUS High showed me the following:-

1) The child opens door(s) for the parent(s) to go into new world(s)

Now that Elkan has made it past the first stage of the NUS High selection, I am a more legitimate member of the NUS High DSA thread on KiasuParent (KSP) Forum.

I have been looking through the KiasuParents thread on NUS High DSA for some time now.  It was however, a non-commital relationship because I did not know whether he would even make it past the first stage.  Now that he is past the first stage, I feel a sense of camaraderie among parents whose children are going for the Selection Camp (although there may be some sense of competition among the parents who are trying their best to help their children make the cut).  It feels as if I have been given provisional membership to an elite club (participants on the thread also include some parents of current students in NUS High).

In an old post on that thread, a parent shared how wonderful the buffet dinner after the Orientation was (parents were also invited for that Orientation).  As I read it, I imagined how wonderful it would be for my husband and I to be similarly at such a function, beaming with pride at where our son is, and feeling the privilege of being a full member of the NUS High community.

The fact is, if Elkan does make the cut, and we do ever get to attend any NUS High event, it is something which my son would have earned for us.  The feeling I would have would be like the feeling which my mother had, when she came to NUS once to visit me, and walked along the corridors of the Arts Faculty, relishing in the University environment.  She told me that she imagined herself to be in one of those Taiwanese shows, in which a lovely female undergraduate would bump into a handsome male undergraduate and drop all the books and files which she had been carrying in her arms. (That was how the stories those times would usually start…)

I believe that this is one of the reason why parents desire success for their children.  I cannot say that I am completely altruistic, with not a single taint of dust, in my desire for Elkan to get into NUS High.  Of course it is all for his benefit, but it would also be such a lovely gift for us!

2) Academic results is not the be-all and end-all

I mentioned in my earlier post that Elkan is not an A* student all the time.  However, he still made it past the first stage selection, although we had also submitted his school results.  I presume that he has done well, and NUS High did not care much about his academic results.

I do not know yet, whether his academic results would ultimately be his downfall, since he has yet to get past the second stage selection (maybe they put weightage on the school results only at the last stage?  Perhaps as a tie-breaker?)  I do hope, however, that he would do well enough to make it, despite his academic results.

My husband and I have always believed that academic results is not the key determinant of success.  We believe in education and the development of certain qualities through the process of education, but we always think that academic results can only indicate how good you are at being a classroom student and at answering examination questions. We have seen enough examples of students with excellent PSLE scores but poor problem solving skills and analytical abilities.

Whatever the outcome of the NUS High selection, we will continue to believe that.

But if Elkan were to get in, despite his lacklustre school results, we would be able to do two things.

Firstly, we would be able to boast to the whole world, that the Singapore educational system is NOT only for those who are examination smart.  We can tell the world, that the Singapore educational system can indeed sieve out the bright and creative and does not penalise people who do not fit the mould of a “model student”.

I love Singapore.  I want to have one more thing which I can boast about Singapore.

3) Enjoy your children and let your children enjoy their lives

Secondly, we would be able to encourage parents to let their children be – let them experience life, and grow at their own pace.

While I said, in my earlier post, that we, his parents, cannot take any credit for his natural intelligence (except for our genes.  My husband would say it is his…), we do take credit for the fact that we allowed him to enjoy his childhood and pursue his interests, against conventional wisdom.  We also take credit for placing more weight on family relationship and the development of his character than his academic results.

We would advocate all parents to do the same, because in the long run, these are what really matter.  Relationships and character have intrinsic value and by and large, remain unchanged for life.  Academic results on the other hand, only have indirect values – they are only a proxy for future success, and a preparation for the future.

As a friend said, “the water will find its own level”. I am not saying this only because my son now has an opportunity to be among the very top.  I have more than one, and not all my children are the same. I do strive to help every one of them to surpass themselves.  There is nothing wrong with wanting our children to be able to punch above their weight.  But do it in moderation.  I think it is better to put more time and effort into what matters today.

4) Accept the child, whatever he is

We all live extended lives through our spouses and our children. I rekindled my interest in classical music because of Elias. My eyes were opened to the plight of families with special needs children because of Samuel. I discovered the wonderful world of mothers, and met many impressive, talented mother bloggers because of my three children.

However, society attaches a value to everything. Being a mother blogger has higher value, than being a mother per se, because it takes effort to blog, so the recognition is also for what you “produce” as a blogger. Being in the world of classical music has higher value than being in the world of special needs children because classical music is seen to represent “the upper class”, good taste, and the good life, whereas special needs is seen as a shortcoming, as if something is wrong with the person. (I am honestly stating the perspective of the society in general, don’t flame me!)

Being in the world of NUS High has a high prestige value simply because it is so difficult to make the cut, with offers being made to only about 170 students each year, out of 2000 applicants (these are the average figures before 2012. We do not know the 2012 figures yet).

It is easy to then place higher value on Elkan’s contribution to our lives, and be more proud of him, and perhaps love him more.  But that is not fair.  He did not do anything to be clever, just as he did not do anything to be “blur” – that is just who he is, in a package.  None of my other children did anything to be who they are either – brilliant or not so brilliant.

I completely, totally accept my children. They have worth to me, just as they are. Everyone needs that, and as people who brought them into the world, we should give them that.

5) Observe, know, and believe in your child

Although Elkan was a relatively good student, he was not loved by all his teachers.  Some were kind and accepting, asking after him even after he has moved on from their classes.  Some were impressed by his mathematical understanding and scientific curiosity.  However, none has ever advised me to develop him further in the area of Maths and Science.

It was his friends, and the adult friends around me who have interacted with him, who told me that he is very bright, and that encouraged me to seriously think about the options for a child like him.  That was how we eventually landed on the path of applying for NUS High.

After his Primary two (in the first two years, the teachers were very nurturing), the comments I get from the teachers about him were generally how ill-disciplined and unfocused he is, and how irresponsible and unkind he is.  I was told that he is weak in his composition and that he is stubborn, refusing to follow instructions.  I understand where the teachers are coming from.  I trust that they are not simply trying to put him down, but they share his weaknesses with me (and him) so he can improve. In any case, I spent much time reassuring and speaking positively into him.  The last thing I want is for him to start believing what the teachers said about him and behave accordingly.

If I were to believe and accept everything the school has told me about him, and leave his development purely to the school, he would never be where he is today.  Of course where he is now, only past the first stage of selection, is not much.  (And reading the KSP Forum thread, about all the children as bright and passionate about Maths and Science as my child has reduced my confidence level!).  But it has certainly raised his self-esteem, which is more than what the school has done for him over the years.

This is the reason why while I work closely with and have deep respect for my children’s teachers, back home I would moderate the stress and work which my children receive from school. I would seek the teachers’ understanding if my child is unable to finish the work given, and bear sole responsibility for his school results.

I have always believed that parents need to be fully involved in the child’s overall development – trust no one else.  I think some parents work hard at getting their children into a certain primary school because they believe that the school will be able to help their children fulfil their greatest potential.  Perhaps, and the school environment can contribute to encouraging the child to do his best.  But a lot also depends on who the child has as a teacher, and what the child is like.

It is also the parent who would know what the derailers in the child’s life are.  Every child has them – most of which are character issues.  These are equally important, if not the most important, and need to be addressed from a young age.  Just because the child is doing well in his studies, sports and other CCAs, and popular with the teachers and other students, does not mean that the child is doing fine.  Only the parents have the privilege of looking into a child’s heart, and so conversely, the responsibility of shaping it is the parents’ alone.

Formal schooling presents many excellent opportunities for the parent to work through with their children on their strengths and weakneses.  There are many teachable moments.  However, it is very time consuming, and for it to be effective, it requires a high level of understanding and acceptance of the child, and a great amount of patience and long term commitment.  It is the parent, who loves the child deeply, who is the child’s best hope for learning and growth.

We cannot promise our children success and happiness in life – that depends on many other factors.  But we can certainly promise our children that we will help them learn and grow, and do the same alongside with them.