Give them roots and wings

Recently I am reminded of a new-old lesson – to be thankful for what I have, and not to look at what I do not have.

It was part of a parenting course, and we were taught to teach our children – to look at the toys they have, instead of clamouring for the latest toys which they do not have.

Today, I had to learn that lesson myself.

After all the excitment, Elkan was not offered admission to NUS High (how nice of them to put it that way – instead of saying that “you are not found suitable”, they said that “we are unable to offer you admission”, as if it was their fault).

It was a disappointment for all of us, and we spent quite some time staring at the screen, refreshing it to see if it was a mistake, and re-checking again minutes later to see if indeed, they made a mistake.

Elkan said :”It’s ok, so long as I get in eventually” (He wants to try again at PSLE, failing which he would try again at Secondary Three).  I applaud his determination and am amazed at his patience.  However, I dread the thought of going through the ups and downs of a selection process again, and also at the hassle of having to choose the next best Secondary School for him (since we would now have to participate in the posting exercise, even as we apply for NUS High concurrently).

I thought it strange, that just about two months ago, not being in NUS High would not have meant anything to us. Unlike some of the parents I met through KSP Forum, whose children had been dreaming of going into NUS High since two years ago, being in NUS High was not a dream for us till very recently.

Yet now that we have put the thought of being in NUS High into our hearts and minds, not being there seems like such a loss.  It is like – the party’s over for us, while the rest party on.  There is so much we can be unhappy about.

I recently read this quote from a friend’s blog : “We smile when the truth reveals itself, but cringe when the truth reveals us. We welcome the truth when it simply enlightens us, but reject it when it demands of us.”

We are judged not just by what we profess, but more by how we act.  Having not made it through this round to NUS High has now placed me before the judgement seat – will I, or will I not, stand by what I profess to believe in?  Will I treat my child any differently?  Will tonight be a night of quick tempers because I am now in a foul mood? (And if the answer had been different, would it be an evening of permissiveness because I am in a good mood?)

It was difficult until I recalled the recent lesson – to walk in the Garden of Contentment.

Indeed, Elkan has been a pleasure to teach, and a pleasure to talk to.

(We recently lost many, many, many of our photos, and most of our videos.  These are among the few which we managed to recover – not the best but they evoke the same memories and emotions for us).

When he was in P2,
Elkan’s English teacher let them play “boxing”,
intended to teach them the plural of certain words.
Elkan won the game for that day
and got to bring back the victor’s sash.
It meant so much to him,
that he asked to sleep with it that night.

Elkan, at age 3.  He could recite nearly the whole book. The first para goes : “Our great race day is here at last, All six cars are sleek and fast. The green flags wave to mark the start, Off the line the race cars dart”.

Elkan at age 5.  This was actually a video (lost!) It was the end of a chess game between Elkan and me. In it he said, :”Mama lose already….” (which is true, I lost)

He was really cute.  This photo does not do him justice. He was a boy who would set you laughing just seeing and hearing him laugh.

He has been all these in the past, and he still is.  He is still extremely easy and enjoyable to teach and speak to.  He is still extremely funny and fun to be with.  Pretend tickle missiles still set him off into hysterical laughter – nothing has changed.

I have many other things to be thankful for.

Because Elkan is naturally intelligent and motivated (though not enough for NUS High at the moment), I had the freedom to divert my time and effort towards Elias and Samuel.  I also feel the freedom to have him teach Elias maths so I can be with Samuel, and have him play with Samuel so I can teach Elias.

Samuel playing “Bob the builder” toys with Gorgor Elkan.

Tonight, Elias and Samuel happily sat next to me to be tested for their spelling, while Elkan read on his bed.  Perhaps this is normal behaviour for most children, but for Elias and Samuel to be willing and happy doing it, is not normal.  It is the result of the time and effort invested not just on my part, but also on the part of Elkan.  Elkan enjoys teaching and playing with his brothers, but often he would rather rest, or read, but he chose to obey me.  He understood and agreed to play his part to contribute to the success of the family.

Elkan is not perfect.  But he has many lovable traits.  I am learning to walk in the Garden of Contentment.

I started off this post thinking that perhaps I will end with saying that my example will teach my children to also learn to walk in that Garden.  But I have realised that perhaps, my children are already there, because they are really very easily contended.  They were all happy tonight, even Elkan, just having dinner and being together.

I have such a big, beautiful Garden.