Give them roots and wings

These two days have been one of the best days of my life, although they came about through great pains.  First, it is due to all the lessons which I am learning both as an individual and as a parent, through the non-admission.

The second has got to do with Elias.

For those who have gotten to know Elias through my blog, you would know the joy and frustrations he brings to the family.  To quote a friend, he is a child “sent to humble me”.

Elias was extremely cute as a toddler.
人见人爱。

As a result, these two days have been pure bliss on that front.  We had all the fun part of Elias, and none of the tantrums and rudeness.Yesterday I stumbled upon what looked like a solution to his negative behaviours.  I shall not mention what it is here, for confidential reasons.

Elias with Samuel!  Elias LOVED baby Samuel. Parents who have more than one child would understand the joy it brings to our hearts when we see our children love each other. Nothing pains us more than to see our children being mean and rude to each other.

It has been two days, and he is feeling sore and stressed over the “solution”.  When I asked him whether he is happier, he says emphatically – NO.  I tell him – that I am really enjoying him, and the whole family is really happy because of how he is behaving.

Elias and Samuel have their good moments 🙂 Elias and Samuel both found a scarf at the same time. (I have no idea, where they found them from…) Each time Elias decides to put his scarf on, Samuel would look for his to put on too.

He did not seemed to see the link, nor “what’s so good” about this huge suffering he is going through.  But I know, that over time, he will see it – that he is happier in control of his emotions, speech and action, than out of control.

This was not something I learnt as a young parent.  Elias is such a sensitive child, that I spent many years concerned about hurting his feelings and damaging his spirit.  As he grew older, my confidence in his resilience grew and I realised that something has gone wrong with my parenting approach.  Anyway, to cut a long story short, I started tightening my expectations on him, and yesterday I imposed a strict, no-negotiation standard – cold turkey.

Amazingly, it worked.

It was clearly very difficult and painful for him, and although I had suddenly become quite a “tyrant” to him in some sense, Elias’ love for me seemed not to have diminished.

“Ooh! Mummy is so scary!” (This is Elias at age 4.  I took a series of photos of him making funny faces. I thought it would be fun, since he was always so cheeky).

Tonight we had a lovely time snuggling and playing quietly on his bed.  Soon it was time to go, and he told me I could stay if I wanted to, or I could go if I wanted to.  I told him that I would go in little while, but I would just go quietly, so as not to disturb his sleep.

He mumbled, “I want you to say good night.”

I did not know why, but those words sounded so lovely and sweet to me.

Reflecting upon it, I guess it is because I realise, that those are words which can be spoken only when my child, is still a child, living under my roof.  Those words are spoken, from a child who loves me fiercely, and will overlook any of my wrongs or grieve I may cause him, simply because he is still a child, and he loves his mummy.

One day, he will be grown.  He will not need me the same way, or I will not have the same opportunity, to snuggle with him, and lie with him, while he sleeps.

Elias and me, when Elias was two years old

Perhaps then, if he still loves me as deeply, whenever he thinks of me at night before he sleeps, he will just say in his heart (because a healthy well-adjusted adult does not say that to his mother out loud) – Good night mum, and I want you to say good night too.

I know, that wherever I may be, I will always say “Good night, Elias.”

I will also say : ” I love you too”, because I know “I want you to say good night” also means “I love you mum”.