Give them roots and wings

It is not easy for Edmund and I to get away on an extended date.  We do spend regular time together – we jog together at least twice a week, and sometimes we even get to watch a 10pm movie, but that is usually late at night, after the children sleep.

We got a pair of GV Gold tickets last week.
It was such an enjoyable experience – I loved the chair and the blanket!

We decided to splurge on the snacks
and got Coffee, Hot chocolate and shared an apple crumble.

We managed to do it last night, and it was something which we put together last minute, after “moving heaven and earth” to achieve it.While these short escapades are good, the types of dates we really enjoy are when we get to have breakfast/lunch/dinner, take walks, go shopping, and also watch a movie together.  We call it our M.A.D (Mum and Dad) time.

We were at Gardens by the Bay! It was beautiful, but we didn’t take many photos since I was not dressed for photo-taking 😉

I enjoyed it very much, because one of my top languages of love is Quality Time.  I enjoyed having the extended conversation time with Edmund, as we drive around Singapore.  Even just waiting in the car for a carpark lot was quality time because he was a “captive audience”, as he put it himself.

So we watched another a movie (in the comforts of our home), had breakfast and lunch, and did some window shopping.  However, the lunch was cut short because Elkan came down with a fever, and even then, we reached home only at about 3pm.  My parents were frantic.  I believe they expected us to cut short our date and rush home quicker than we did.

Poor little boy. He called us at about 11am telling us that he felt warm.
We reached home at only about 3pm. He asked, not complaining, but in his gentle manner,
“What took you so long?”

That is why we do not do this often.  However, we continue to do it for two reasons.This is not the first time that our “date” had a high-stress ending.  Each time we pick the children up after our “date”, my parents would complain about all the mischief and noise, and end with saying :”Cannot lah, cannot, really cannot, they are big already, they don’t listen, they keep fighting, we cannot take care of your children anymore”.

The first is that the children always enjoy staying over with their grandparents.  My parents took care of them in the early years, and the children often recall those times with fondness.  I also know that no matter how much my parents complain about the children, they enjoy them, and like knowing that they desire staying over at their place.

The second reason is because we have learnt that the relationship between the husband and wife is very important, and the marriage needs time and effort to maintain.

Does this look familiar?

Some years back we went on a date, and soon after the dinner, I said to Edmund “I miss the children, let’s go back”.

I knew then that we had a problem.

Lack of communication and understanding between husband/ father and wife/mother is clearly a danger to the marriage relationship. Being in a relationship where there is no sharing of thoughts and emotional burden is lonely at best, and destructive at its worst.  A hungry man is an angry man – and emotional and intellectual hunger is as real, though not as obvious, as physical hunger.  Having unmet expectations eats into you, and causes resentment which leads to roots of bitterness.

A weak marriage relationship is also problematic in family management and parenting.  This is because there is a whole lot of quick decisions to be made everyday.  Due to the pace of our lives, and the unpredictable behaviour of children, we do not have the time to discuss and agree on everything before deciding on what to do, or what to say.  Therefore fathers and mothers need tacit understanding if we do not wish for arguments to occur due to disagreement, misunderstanding or a misinterpretation of intention.  This tacit understanding comes about only when we are regularly sharing our philosophies and attitudes towards the family and parenting.

These are not matters which can be talked about in 10 minutes while doing grocery shopping.  Oftentimes even we, as individuals, do not know what our own philosophies and attitudes are.  We need to take time to explore and reflect, and through the long hours of discussion, revelation will come.

The night of date has tired us out.  Edmund took a nap, and I am so tired this whole afternoon, that I am hardly doing any parenting, preferring to write this post.

Elkan slept and the other two played while the father napped and the mother blogged…

But to us, this is a necessary price to pay.  It is not as if we suffered on that date, but it has to be a deliberate choice that we make, especially for me as a mother, to tear myself away from the children’s incessant needs and demands.

I would rather say sorry to Elkan today, for not being there when he is ill, because mum and dad were having a lunch-date, than have to say sorry to him some time in future, for not being able to be there for him anymore, for a reason worse than that.