Nobody else loves them like I do
Yesterday I went to Tien Hsia to enquire about chinese class for Samuel. I went because a friend had highly recommended it. I know that Tien Hsia standards are high but it occured to me that perhaps, I can let him go through its K2 class next year, when he is in P1.
Something I did not expect happened. The staff insisted that Tien Hsia will not demote the child to a lower level. She said that Tien Hsia’s programs are very academic, and it even goes ahead of the school syllabus. She said :”Tien Hsia is not suitable for every child. Perhaps you might want to send your child to a Speech and Drama class, and come to Tien Hsia when your child is ready”.
So I left. After I have recovered from the humiliation, I thought to myself : “Why should I expect anything more?”
I have learnt, once again, that nobody else loves my child as much as I do, and that I am my child’s only hope for success in life (that was something I thought when I was in a highly emotional state. In my rational state, I would say that I am my child’s best hope for success). I don’t know why I always expect more, but I keep having to learn this lesson again and again. (Maybe I am like Elias in this sense, always hopeful about life, no matter how many times I fall).
This is a stressful period of my life. Elkan is in the midst of taking his PSLE; the need to get Samuel ready for P1 becomes more urgent; Elias who is in P5, is not getting the attention which he needs because I am simply waiting for Elkan’s PSLE to be over to switch my attention over to him.
All the current discussions about pre-school education, what a child needs to know to be ready for P1, and how much children are being hot-housed for the PSLE are not helping me. I am often confused, just like everyone else. I am constantly in doubt of the “rightness” of my choices, no matter how confident I may sound.
I think we need conviction either way – whether we decide that “I will help my child be ready for school and PSLE, no matter how much money I need to spend, how hard my child and I need to work, and how much my child may hate me for it, because he will understand one day, that I did it because I love him”, or we decide that “I do not care what society expects of my child, I will simply focus on loving my child, letting him grow up loving learning, living a balanced life, and teaching him values and building his character”.
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| This is rare, but it happened today. The peace lasted for about 1 hour, which I think is very good. I know that, there will be more and more of such moments because they are maturing. I believe in my children, because I believe in my God. They are made in the image of God, so they have within them, the capacity for excellence. |
I choose the second, because I simply do not have the conviction to see through the first option.
I really really love my children simply for who they are.
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| Elkan loves reading. The older he gets, the more absorbed he gets in his reading. |
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| Elias is always cheeky. |
Samuel with his completed 3D sphere puzzle – a birthday present from his friend.
He wins the “cutest child” award in our family. He is so lovable.
I cannot bring myself to fault them for who they are not and what they cannot be. Of course there are ugly moments when I get angry with them and shout at them, but at the end of the day, I know I don’t have it in me, to force them to be who they are not made to be.
One of Samuel’s friend bought him this container of chocolates for his birthday.
He decided to open a “shop”, where he would give out chocolates to everyone.
(He copied the idea from his brother – Elias, who opened up a “shop” to give away his knick knacks).
So this is them, monkeying around with the chocolates, then gamely posing for me after that.
After all the sound and the fury and the dust has settled, I think that this incident with Tien Hsia, and all my struggles with the children’s academic pursuit is not about what can I do to help my children succeed in school.
It is more about whether I really love my child, with his imperfections. Period. Or whether I am simply in love with having an imaginary child, with the characteristics that I want.
I do love them. Ultimately, I might fail in helping them reach their destiny, because I did not make correct choices for them when they were too young to make their own choices. But there is one thing I am confident of doing, which is to love them well.
Love this.. “But there is one thing I am confident of doing, which is to love them well.”
🙂
Thanks Klessis. I am glad it resonates with you. 🙂
“In my rational state, I would say that I am my child’s best hope for success.”
And you are!
What you’ve shared is such a real struggle for most of us parents in Singapore, I’m sure! At least for me it is! But worse, my kids are only 2 and coming 4 and I’ve had the jitters about p1 Preparation.
Chinese – shivers. English- shivers (and I used to be ex-schoolteacher somemore). Math- shivers.
And you know your ‘humiliating’ encounter with enrichment school?
I had it too! Not just once but few times!
Finally, I had it! Hey, being parents, I think we have a right to protect our children from unnecessary stress, harm and humiliation.
Can you imagine if the centre made US, adults, feel bad for our need to get our kids help? How much worse might they make our kids who are struggling feel?
Once I was making enquiries about a Chinese enrichment class at a nearby centre. When I found out their classes for the 2+- 3 y.o. was aat 8pm, I exclaimed, “It is so late! My children need to be in bed by them.”
Guess what the staff said to me? In a tone that barely concealed disdain for me,”Oh! But many children come for the night class.” with barely concealed disdain.
Thanks Sarah. You know, hearing your fears, as a ex-school teacher, encourages me so much. I have frens who are teachers who seemed to be helpg their children well. I have also heard from my children’s teachers, whose children seemed to be doing well. I am happy for them, but I hate it when some of them sound so condescending about it.
I, for one, am a parent who do not think my children’s good results (which is rare and inconsistent) are of any credit to me. If they do well, it’s cos they are smart, they pay attention in class, they are diligent, not because I am some sort of a super coach or parent.
I think we all need a friend to go with us when we go for such enquiries. I would say with equal disdain, “Well, then those children are not having enough sleep. It is unhealthy for such young children to sleep so late, and perhaps you can consider adjusting the timing of your classes because as professionals in the area of child development, you should know the best way to develop children. If you do not even know what is healthy for children physically, I don’t think we should trust our children to you. Sarah, let’s go!”
Hi Sim Wee,
Something that’s not directly related to your post. 😛 I noticed that Elkan loves reading. I’ve been looking for simple chapter books with good font sizes (suitable for the eyes of a young child) and I wonder if you have recommendations. Perhaps titles that Elkan read and enjoyed when he was younger. We’ve recently read My Father’s Dragon, Courage of Sarah Noble and Abigail Takes the Wheel by Avi.
PS: All the best to Elkan for his PSLE. And may Samuel enjoy his new journey in a primary school. I think there’s too much stress these days, just to get kids ready for primary school and I think too much emphasis is placed on the 3Rs.
Hi Elaine! Good to see you here again 🙂 I am not sure how much I can help you here, on the books they read. Elkan and Elias read a lot of information books, when they were growing up. The books which you refer to seemed rather mature, so I think you are ahead of me on that.
I am not very good at finding good books for them – I refer to other parents, like Tamarind’s blog. If you’ve not seen that blog do go, she has lots of good stuff there.
Thanks for your well-wishes! I am excited for Elkan – it’s the first real important examination he is taking.
For samuel, I have found friends with similar concerns and it is great having company to do it together. It makes it so much easier.
Thanks for the reply. 🙂
Yes, I’ve come across Tamarind’s blog and is aware of her recommendations. The problem is that most of the good chapter books like Charlotte’s web come in small prints which I find unsuitable for young children. In fact, I’ve stopped using the Peter and Jane series (partly because the series is quite boring) due to the fine prints at the higher levels.
Thanks anyway. Info books are great. 🙂 My boy loves books on the solar system…