Give them roots and wings

In 3 hours time, we are going to receive Elkan’s PSLE results.  I am very nervous.

This is Elkan standing outside his P6 classroom.

This is Elkan (he is at the back, first one from the left)
outside his P1 classroom. Time flies!

Close to 30 years ago, when I received my PSLE results, it was a happy day for my parents.  My parents stayed in a 3-room flat.  They did not even complete their primary school education.  My mother used to tell me stories of how my father would run away from school, and how she could never remember anything that she studied, even though she tried very hard.

It was beyond their wildest dream to have children who enjoyed learning, and who were good students.  But my brother and I fulfilled their dreams.  We enjoyed learning, and we did well in our studies.  Eventually we entered into NUS and the family portrait which my parents proudly hang in their living room featured four graduates (our spouses too, graduated from NUS).

Earlier this week I attended a “Our SG Conversations” dialogue.  I enjoyed it very much, simply because it reminded me so much of my past life –  the flip charts, the post-its and the sweets in the middle of the table.  I was happy to have met new friends – people whom I may not never otherwise have met because we move in different circles, brought together by a passion for Singapore, and a desire to make a difference.

At the end of the session, BG Chan Chun Sing, Acting Minister for Community Development, Youth and Sports summed up his impression of the whole session.  One of the things he shared was this picture.

The Y-axis represents wealth. The X-axis represents all of us.

His point was this.  We are all at different points of the new curve – some are richer, some are poorer, but as a whole, and even as individuals, we are better off now than where our parents were in the past.  He implied that we should simply look at what we have, and not what we do not have, and adjust our expectations.

I think that he is wrong in one aspect.  Mankind does not, and should not assess our progress from a standard baseline.  Each generation desires to do better than the earlier.  We always stand on the shoulders of our ancestors and our past.  That is progress. It is not necessarily for personal gain, but an instinctive desire of each generation to leave behind something better for the next.

There is nothing wrong with being hungry for success (the Government laments that our young people do not have enough of that).  But it is wrong to expect it to be easy and to complain when it seems too difficult, because no one, not even the paternalistic and capable Singapore Government owes us success and happiness in life.

I do not know whether today will be a happy day for me.  Will today be a day of reward and affirmation for me as a parent, or will today be a day of test?  If he does much better than expected, it will be a day of reward and affirmation.  If he does as expected (I had adjusted my expectations to minimise disappointment.  Yes, I am a wimp when it comes to this), it will be a day of test.  It will be a test of whether I have integrity, whether I truly love my child unconditionally, whether any disappointment which I might feel is merely a momentary emotional reaction or a revelation of my true self.

I have a brilliant child here, whom I chose to give space to learn and grow instead of drilling him.  It represented six years of intentional parenting, but it also represented many moments and periods of careless parenting.  It represented more than two years (and counting) of my working life traded for the future of my children.

I am sorry, BG Chan, it is not as simple as looking at where I am compared to my parents, and where my children are compared to me.  The question is – have I create enough value from what I was given?  I was given so much more in life, through my parents’ pain and sacrifices, and it will not be right for me to squander the inheritance of education and social capital they had given to me.  I need to ensure it is multiplied, through my life and my children’s lives.

“Hey, my kite is there!”
When I look at you, my dear son, I see my future.
For even after I die, I will live through you.

But no, the measure of my life as a parent, and his life, even as a student, is not determined by the Aggregate score.  But it is easy to think that it is, especially in the frenzy of today.  That is why I say it is a test, and that is why I am nervous.