So it was just mummy guilt
Mummy guilt, I am sure every mother has suffered from that. The nagging thought that you could have done more or done better, that you should have known, or that you should have tried harder.
I had many episodes of these, but a few in particular haunt me.
I had many episodes of these, but a few in particular haunt me.
There was the time in Jarkarta when Elkan was just 9 mths old. We were already training him to sleep on his own and he was accustomed to that. However, that first night in Jakarta, he kept crawling over to me, to sleep next to me. It was probably due to a sudden blackout which happened earlier in the night and traumatised him.
Despite the knowledge of that, I stubbornly refused to let him sleep next to me, for fear that it will ‘spoil’ him and undo all the months of work we did. He crawled to me again and again, crying and reaching out to me.
He was happy here. He was not, in the darkness of the night.
He wanted his mummy, but his mummy rejected him.
I put him back again and again, until finally, he fell asleep from exhaustion. (*BAD MOMMY!!!*)
Then there was the time when I force-fed Samuel (between 4-6 months old) some milk, only to realise later that it had been left out for more than 24 hours. It must have turned bad and that was why he refused to drink. (*LOUSY MOMMY!!!*)
He was so small, what does he know?
Sigh.
Most recently it was the realisation that Elkan’s primary school days were over, and that he had not had much accomplishments. I always wished we had continued his Piano, Swimming and Chess lessons. He would have gotten at least a Grade 5 in Piano, and Gold in swimming and received more than just a Merit medal for his Chess competitions.
Of all my children, Elkan required the least of my attention and so he received the least. He was none the worse for the lesser attention but I always wondered whether he would have done better for his PSLE if I had given him more. Having these thoughts made me feel worse because I wondered why I was so mercenary.
Suddenly however, I realised that I was simply feeling mummy guilt, and strangely enough, once I realised that, I felt much better.
I did not fail my child. The reason I thought I did was because I measured myself against a mother who had perfect knowledge and limitless amount of energy. That is what mummy guilt is – an emotion borne out of an unrealistic expectation of myself as a mother.
So I moved on, went for a lovely holiday, and lo and behold, when we came back, we found a letter.
Apparently, Elkan was given an Eagle’s Award, given to students who “display outstanding leadership qualities, contribute to voluntary work in the community and school, or excel in co-curricular activities”. It was certainly unexpected and therefore brought tears to my eyes.
Elkan was delighted when he read the letter.
He was so proud of himself. I felt so happy for him.
Like a year ago, when Elias received the Good Progress Award, this was an affirmation of me as a mother, illogical though it may be (because I think he would have achieved it with or without me, since I did little for him).
Elkan has got his posting for secondary school too. At the end of the day, I think that the school which he has been posted to, is the best choice for him, and he would be happy there.
Life has lots of “might have beens” but I have so much to be thankful for. Mummy guilt will always be with me, because being a parent is such an awesome responsibility. May it be a positive energy for me.
