Give them roots and wings

The relationships amongst the brothers have always been of paramount importance to us.  As they were growing up, we put in a lot of effort in ensuring harmonious relationships amongst the three of them.

First there were only the two of them.
Then came Samuel.
Over the years, we have had many lovely pictures,
and many lovely memories.

Much of their affection for each other were through encouragement from us.
But much of it was also unprompted.
Like that time when Samuel wrote a card for Elias,
because he felt that Elias was his best friend.
That was a lovely moment for me.

We would strive to be fair.  We would speak positively of them in front of each other.  We would intervene whenever we can before things get ugly, because they are childish, and when hungry, tired, in a bad mood, and/or simply because they think it is fun to be mean, regress to their baser, selfish and cruel self.

But it has been increasingly difficult to keep them on constant good terms with each other.

Elkan is growing up, and things which used to interest him, e.g. playground, no longer hold any interest for him.  He is still a sweet loving brother who is wiling to put in effort to help his brothers, but the time he spends with his brothers is increasingly more due to loyalty than personal preference.  He often still obliges, sweet as he is, but it makes him upset sometimes, and no doubt adds some stress to him.

My dear son, whom I love.
I would give you my very life,
that you will love God and love your brothers,
if that was possible.

Elias still adores his older brother, and enjoys playing with him.  With this change in Elkan, he sometimes feels a sense of rejection.  He is also at a stage where he is more sensitive and emotional.  To top it all, this is his PSLE year, and the seemingly-legitimate need to push him harder in his school work, adds on much stress for him.

My dear son, whom I love.
I would give you my very life,
that you will love God and love your brothers,
if that was possible.

Samuel has always found it hard to keep up with his brothers’ play, which is full of technical terms and beyond his understanding.  He often feels left out, despite our attempt to implore the brothers to play things at his level.  He is also growing into the middle-years, becoming less compliant and difficult to persuade. Moreover, having started P1, he has to put in a lot of time and effort to keep up with his school work.  He has less time to play, and this lack of play stresses him and makes him irritable.

My dear son, whom I love.
I would give you my very life,
that you will love God and love your brothers,
if that was possible.

Not a day goes by without some childish squabbles.  It is draining and irritating (“Can’t you all just play nicely together?”).

I have found however, the best way to deal with it is not by dealing with each issue, though we still do that.

The way we deal with it is simply to keep the family atmosphere positive and joyful, and to give them lots of opportunities to play happily together.

The children always enjoy looking at computer stuff together,
whether it is a Youtube movie, a game, or even silly things like Google gravity.

Now that their eldest brother has got an Macbook,
they all enjoy it together.
In this instance, they were looking at Google earth.

The children enjoy playing with each other physically.
This is a Saturday morning.
The children have had a good night’s sleep,
and we are looking forward to a relaxing day.
They are happy during such moments,
and I am happy to see them share such moments.
It all adds up to their emotional bank account with each other.

Things are still difficult, and it may get more difficult.  Frequent sibling conflicts is not inevitable, but it is happening in our household.

I cannot control a lack of self-control, or temper tantrums. I can only minimise it by doing the same things which we have always done – setting clear expectations and boundaries, and applying consequences.  It is increasingly difficult to do them, because the children resist the bounds placed on them.

Anyway, I will not get myself dragged into their childishness.

Teaching at an individual level still carries on, but I am putting more hope in the atmosphere. I trust that the family, and simple family life, will protect them.  They are the mundane routines, of eating dinner together everyday, exercising together regularly, praying for the kids everyday, and simply always greeting them gently and with a smile no matter how upset we may be with each other.  (By the way, during this period, I am so glad that the children are not heavy users of the TV and computer – they do not escape from the family into the TV or cyber-world).

They were very happily playing.
Soon after the photo was taken,
they starting quarreling.
But yes, they were happy together.

The fact that we made it to church in time today is a miracle.
They were up late last night. Samuel slept at 11pm, and Elkan close to midnight.
They were grouchy last night on the way back, and even when we were back at home.
But this morning it was all forgotten.
They had fun playing over lunch,
and when we went CNY shopping.

I am doing this NOT because I am so very clever and know that this will work.  I am doing this because I find little else which I can do which is effective.

I just hope that their happy times and memories about the family will continue to hold them to us, and will be sufficient protection for them.  I hope that they will always remember, that under all the unhappy quarrels about who-took-whose-things-without-asking, who-broke-whose-stuff, and who-said-shut-up-to-who, they do love each other.