Give them roots and wings

Today is a special day for me, because today is the day Elkan and I became friends on facebook.  He recently turned 13, and so he is officially allowed on facebook.

I know of many children under age of 13 who are on facebook.  I even know of babies who are on facebook. Their accounts were probably created by their parents, in violation of the age restrictions.

This will never happen in our home.  In fact, I am allowing Elkan on facebook at age 13 not because facebook now allows it, but it is because I feel that he is mature enough to be on it.  I may do it differently for my other children.

Elkan got his phone at age 11.
However, I took it back from him a few times
because he could not control the amount of time he was spending on it.
Elias is likely to get his phone only after his PSLE.
He requested to be given one before he leaves his primary school
so that he can keep in touch with his Primary School friends.
Sounds legit to me.
Before that, I do not see the need for him to have one,
and I think it is better for him not to have to fight the temptation of using it to play games.

I feel strongly about the early access of children to the computer.  This is because there is far too much danger online, and it is beyond the maturity of children to cope. In fact, I control my children’s use of the TV and phone tightly as well.  I am not ashamed of using the words “control tightly” because before the age of 12, I am certain that this is the best way of bringing up children, balanced with a huge amount of love, time and connection with them.

(I will write about the usage of electronic devies separately, because there is too much to say.)

Take away the computer, TV and phone, and give them yourself.

Many people may feel appalled at my parenting style.  I know some who like to say this :”You can’t protect them forever”.  While this statement sounds good, I think that there are a few possible mindsets behind it:-

1) You can’t protect them forever, so you might as well not try.

2) You can only protect them up to a certain extent, so beyond that, you should stop.

3) Protecting them is not good for them/harmful for them/will restrict their growth.

I think that we need to examine whether we have the perspective of the “limited ability of the parent in the current culture to protect them”, or “harm to the child if you are too protective”.

I am sure that most parents will do it because of the second, although I think that many parents actually feel the first.

The Sunday Times today had an article about internet addiction by Radha Basu.

In the article, a social worker was quoted as saying that parents are not always to be blamed when their children become addicted:-

“Many parents today are bogged down with multiple stresses and long working hours that make it hard for them to invest time and energy in their children’s issues”.

I don’t know whether she was quoted out of context, but it sounded totally ridiculous to me.

It is not that I do not understand the stresses and challenges that parents face.  Today’s culture is really not as conducive to parenting as it was in the past when there were no distractions like the computer/ ipad/ tv/ phone. But as parents, we must take full responsibility for helping our children navigate  through it all. I have written about similar ideas many times before – Our children. Only. Have. Us.

Just look at the facebook warning message for the under-13s:-

“You cannot select a birthday that indicates you are under 13 years old. Please Body of an error/warning message. Title is: Under 13 for assistance.” (sic) (Bold italics mine).

I can almost imagine in my head, this voice saying: “you must select a birthday that indicates that you are above 13 years old.  Please try again”.

I agree much more with the Google warning message, which is more forthright:-

“In order to have a Google Account, you must meet certain age requirements.  To learn more about online child safety, visit the Federal Trade Commission’s website.“

Our children only have us.  NO ONE else cares about protecting them.  They assume that parents will protect their own children. I extracted these out from a report (“Why parents help their children lie to Facebook about age: Unintended consequences of the ‘Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA)”).

“we sought to investigate whether children are evading age restrictions against their parents’ wishes, whether parents are agnostic or unaware of such restrictions, or whether parents are complicit in children’s covert participation on these sites.

“Our data suggest that, by creating a context in which companies choose to restrict access to children, COPPA inadvertently undermines parents’ ability to make choices and protect their children’s data.”

“it might be useful to develop mechanisms to provide parents with recommendations about the appropriateness of various sites for children of different ages and the various risks that users may face. Our findings show that parents are indeed concerned about privacy and online safety issues, but they also show that they may not understand the risks that children face or how their data are used. Greater transparency and increased information flow can help parents make appropriate decisions.”

In general, what it tries to say is this – parents know what is best for their own children.  Let them make the choices for their children.

Yes, I know many parents who are intentional in their parenting – they know full well the risks and they are doing all they can to help their children.

But I know of as many, if not more, who really do not know, or who found out too late, or who have simply given up on the parenting journey and are just hoping that things will somehow turn out fine.

I know because I have wanted to give up so many times.  There are so many things that we need to do as parents.  It is so difficult to hold firm, to give reasons, and to be thinking all the time about how to help them understand.  Many times I gave in because I was simply too worn out.  But I know that it is not right, so as soon as I get my energy back, I put back the boundaries.

Do my children hate me for it, and rebel?

No.  Our children love us, and love the family. Whatever we take away from them, we give back to them. We give the children very little reasons to be bored at home, and to need gadgets to fill their lives.  It takes a lot of hard work on our part, but I think that it is necessary.

We celebrated Elkan’s birthday twice.
Once with a cake on the actual day, and the second time with a dinner.
We always try to make each child feel special.

For the below 12 years old, the family is sufficient.  For those above 12, they need peers but even then, parents can play an active role in forming peer groups for them. (That is another story).

Do my children wish to be given more freedom and games to play?  

Of course!  Freedom feels like power, and just like us adults – if we could play all day and not work at all, we would too.  But we know, that it is not possible, and not healthy for us in the long run.  Just because they want it, does not mean it is good for them. My job as a parent is to be their wisdom and external control before they develop their own.

Are they being short-changed, and will they lose out because this is such an IT-oriented world?

No, our children will not lose out.  Firstly, my children do access the internet – only if permission is granted, and under supervision.  They use it for school projects, or when we want to see something interesting.  The computer is in the living room, and anything we do, is open.  It is rarely an individual activity.

Elkan is reading my blog of course!
The boys enjoy reading it 🙂
We play computer games too. Games on Samuel’s reading eggs.
Haha, is it lame? But we have so much fun doing it!

In terms of gaming, I think the advantages that they gained from not playing games outweigh the disadvantages. Elkan enjoys electronic games.  He does not play it much, but he easily gets into the groove of games when he gets to play it on his friends’ devices.  It is a natural aptitude he has.  He is now in the IT society in his Secondary school, and he is learning how to program games. So there was no need for him to be exposed to game-playing growing up.

Elias likes playing electronic games too, but not as much – he is contented to just watch.  I doubt if he would join the IT society, it is just not his thing.  So  there was no need for him to be exposed to game-playing growing up either.

Elkan is going for this.
He is so excited.

At no point did my children complain to me about being “left out” because they do not play these games, or that they do not have the latest phone.  They were not ostracised by their friends.  Perhaps they could not form friendship with those who were heavily into games and social media, but I do not think of that as a huge disadvantage.

I like it that when the children come home, the first thing they do is to pick up a book to read, or twiddle with lego pieces.  If something upsets them in school, they download to me or each other, instead of someone on the internet.

The Principal at my children’s primary school shared this with us. It is the story of 拔苗助长To Pull up the Seedlings to Help Them Grow and 守株待兔 (Staying by a Stump Waiting for More Hares). Her message was that we should not hasten the growth of our child,  neither should we do nothing and wait for the child to grow up.

The Principal shared this with the students too.
These are such cool lessons to share!
This Principal talks a lot about parenting.
I don’t think there are many Principals like that.

I agree so much with her.  I know that she was mainly referring to the academic development of the students, but I think it applies to all aspects of a child’s growth.

I want to give my children time to grow. I do not want them to grow old in their hearts. Exposing them too much to the adult world will make them old, jaded and bored as a youth.

Neither do I assume that just restricting them is enough.  We do lots of other things to fill up their time and enrich their lives.

Why not wait till 13 to use facebook?  Is it so difficult?  Are there so little other things that children can do?

If my child cannot wait, why? Is it me? Am I encouraging him to wait, or am I hurrying him along?

Anyway, we waited till Elkan is 13 and now he is my online friend, the way we are offline friends 🙂 (mother or friend? That’s again, another story)

Now I wait, for Elias and Samuel.  It may be a longer, much longer wait for them, but so what?  It is best to wait, so we shall wait.