Give them roots and wings

I know my life could have been worse. But it should have been better – Focused Insanity.

I stumbled upon this post, about a young man’s relationship with his stepfather. Reading it as a mother, it made me sad.

“She asked me if I thought she was choosing my stepfather over my self. I tried not to let her know how stupid that question was, and I think I did a pretty good job. Though I did say yes, that was what I thought. She hugged me and seemed sad and said it wasn’t true, and that if anything like that ever happened again she’d kick him out and get a divorce. Well, if you ever read this, Mother, I think you’re lying. We’ll see soon enough though.

I didn’t believe her. I didn’t ever want to come back. But she begged me and guilted me. I’m a sucker for guilt trips. I went back home and have regretted it ever since. What kind of “home” does one feel unwelcome in? What kind of “home” does one fear for his life in? Not a very good home at all, to be sure.”

I am going through a difficult stage in my parenting – the transition into the teenage years.

It is easier when the child is obviously young, and immature. It is easy for a parent to feel tender towards the child during those stages, and continue to guide him.

It is difficult when the child is growing up, and is only half-matured. Maturity means the awareness of what is required, the ability to understand the consequences and the will-power to act responsibly. Immaturity means the unwillingness to accept responsibility and the unwillingness to WILL oneself to act responsibility. It is difficult when the child acquires more elements of the maturity, yet continues to retain elements of the immaturity.

Everyday I have the opportunity to choose to either treat my son as an irresponsible, matured child, or a struggling, immature child. The first invites my wrath. The second requires my compassion. Too many times, have I chosen the first.

Two days ago, I had a conversation with my son. For the first time in many days, my heart softened towards him again. (Oh yes, this is a confession post). Despite what I write on this blog about being encouraging and loving towards our children, I am often surprised at how easily I can fall out of love with my children. Like what the young man wrote, am I choosing other things above my son? Am I even aware of it? Do I even care, or do I think that the withdrawal of my love is something which he deserves sometimes and therefore justified – as if there is a limit to my love for him, and certain conditions which have to be met before he merits my affections?

As a young mother, I wanted so much to do everything perfectly. My child was so beautiful and perfect and he deserves the best the world can give him. I sincerely believed I could do everything perfectly, and I was going to give it to him.

But after all these years, I have learnt that I cannot. Despite the depths of emotions I feel towards them, and how hard I try, I fail them again and again. I don’t have all the answers, and so often, I really don’t know what to do. My best is clearly not enough.

For this reason, I like this quote:-

In bringing up my children, I have learnt so much. The most precious lessons, are not from success stories. They are from my own failures. I have learnt to be kind to parents who are struggling to do it right, because I struggle all the time. I have learnt to forgive my parents for their imperfect love for me because I have failed my children the same way too. I have learnt to forgive my children for being imperfect, because I am imperfect and I need their forgiveness everyday too.

So, if that young man happens to read this post, I am sorry that your mother was not able to give you what you needed. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of my choices for my children. May God make up for the lack in your life. He is more than able.