Give them roots and wings

Today I read a book, with this quote “Love is not just an emotion, as the world sees it. It is action… Affections come and go, grow and fade, but love does not… It is more of a constant state of selflessness that produces actions” (BJ Higgins, “I would die for you”)

After all these months of caring for baby, I would like to confess, that the depths of emotion I feel for him, is no where near that which I feel for each of my sons. I can’t explain it. I thought I would love him the same way, because he is a child too, but it was different.

Sometimes I would feel guilty about that. I would ask myself – “I thought you wanted to foster because you wanted to love a child?” I would also wonder – “How would he feel, knowing that I don’t love him as much?” But I cannot force myself to feel something I cannot.

That is why it means much to me, to be reminded, that love is an action.

Many people do not see what I go through emotionally, to foster the child. My heart goes out to the child of course, but everyday, what occupies my mind most is how little I am giving to my own children, and how much I am taking away from them.

Recently, Elias and Samuel have been saying that they miss me. Samuel often crawls into our bed to lie next to me. All three of them are not doing well academically, and neither have they been exemplary in conduct or in their personal discipline. Every day, it would occur to me, that I can’t do certain things (teach/coach/train/supervise/listen to/dialogue with/cook for/ snuggle with) because I need to care for Baby.

I know that many people are confounded by our decision to foster. “You already have so much on your plate!” “Can you take care of one more child or not?”. I guess they do not think I would be able to do a good job.

They are right. I am not in the best state to care for another child. Some time last month, I forgot the children’s enrichment appointments, and I kept forgetting to pay the tutors. I made mistakes in my church ministry, and I had some problems at work. I wonder what all these people thought of me then. The truth is, things were falling off my plate.

I am tired all the time – I am physically and emotionally drained. Everyday, I am susceptible to bouts of depression. But encouragement often comes from the most unexpected places.

Each day, it is my children – those whom I feel I am depriving something of – who encourage me. I would see them smile, and laugh, and be so happy to see or play with Baby. They have NEVER ONCE complained about having Baby. They have never wished he would go back home. They have never felt jealous of our attention/time on him. They gladly oblige in taking care of him whenever the adults need to do something else, although Baby frequently spurns their offer of love and attention.

My wonderful boys!

I love them. I am so proud of them. I am so glad for this opportunity that God has given me, to see them rise up this way.

But why am I writing this post? As a self-declared ambassador for fostering, my intention is not to scare people off the idea of fostering.

I do it because I want to say, that if we can do it, you can too.

I don’t want anyone to think that fostering is easy for us, because we are such capable people. No one will ever be capable enough to foster a child, just as no one will be prepared enough to be a parent. Raising children is just such an impossible job – you just do it, with great humility and willingness to learn.

Neither do I want anyone to think that we can foster because we are such wonderful or loving people, and that’s why we have the passion to do it. We are not. We are very ordinary and we get irritated, tired and discouraged too.

I also don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking that so long as you can love a child emotionally, you can do this. Caring for a child is sheer hard work – there is nothing romantic about it.  It is simply meeting the child’s physical, emotional and intellectual needs and doing it no matter whether you are tired, sick, or facing a looming deadline, and you do it day after day after day after day.

Baby may never know what we have done for him. If he returns to his parents within the next few years, he would probably have no memory of us. He would never know all the emotional turmoils and physical tiredness I went through to provide him a home these few months/years of his life. But I know that our family has been changed by him, and we would always remember him.

Please sign up as a foster parent and foster a child. A child out there needs you. He/She might never know what you have done for him, and how much you have to go through just to care for him, but you would have changed his life.

Take comfort in knowing that it would change your life, and change you too, as it did for us.

(By the way, things will not keep falling off our plate 🙂  Things are getting better, and we know it will get even better. The fact that I can write this blog post tonight/today, it means things are getting better! 🙂 )

This is a fostering story. For more details, please visit my other page Fostering in Singapore.