Give them roots and wings

There are the moments of recognition.

When he is walking in a crowd (having just acquired the ability to walk confidently on his own) and suddenly looks back with searching eyes. And they light up when they meet mine.

When he’s at the playground full of children just like him yet his face shows fear and apprehension. He would be unwilling to venture further to play, until he sees his “Tor tor”.

He likes to press the lift button, like all children.
He is too short but Tor tor is always ready to give him a lift.
He was too young for the PG,
but he did explore it a bit, with “Tor tor”.
Brave boy!

There are the moments, when Edmund or I bring him back home from infant care in the evening, and he squeals with delight as soon as he sees all the familiar faces around the dinning table.

When he first came, he would bawl in the car seat.
Then he stopped bawling.
Then he started bawling again,
when he became impatient on long rides.
Nowadays his crying and whining during rides are becoming less and less frequent,
especially when there is at least one other boy
in the car with him.
They would always play/talk to him.

On day one it was not like that. On that day, his eyes were looking but unseeing. Over time, his eyes changed, but sometimes it would seem that he’s really only interested in the food which we provide. Or the ball which the boys are holding.

But we do matter to him intrinsically now, as he does to us.

He loves his snacks.
I always wonder, even with my own children…
Do they love me, or the things I provide for them?
But that is really how children develop…
first they take from you, and learn you can be trusted…
It is only after that, that they can learn to love you back.
Being loved is a necessary,
(though insufficient) condition for learning to love.

Then there are the moments when he is typical and happy.

When he toddles around the house happily pulling magnets off the fridge, pulling CDs off the racks, and pulling bottles out of drawers. When he climbs onto our bed with his grimy and saliva-stained clothes and body, with 3 other equally dirty boys, and tumbles around with them giggling and chuckling away.

In the early days it was not like that. When he first came he only wanted to be carried. We learned to do many things with one hand or with a baby on our lap.

It has been 3 mths and now looking back, it hadn’t been such a long time. But when you are constantly boiling water, keeping the dinner dishes, packing the house, and signing school papers with one free arm, you do become slightly psychotic and start wondering whether you’re going to have to do that for the rest of your life.

But now the moment has arrived and we are glad he’s part of our family. We are glad that he is secure and happy enough to explore, learn, develop, and have a chance at success in life.

What a wonderful place a home is – with all the knick knacks
– so much to explore and so many non-toy play-things to
fiddle and experiment with!

Then there are the moments when he has people to share his life with.

When he calls “mom” and someone responds with a “yes darling” and a smile.

No, I am not his mother.
But his first and most common word was “mom”.
He shouts “mom” each time he is hungry or lonely.
What can one do when a child is crying out for attention?
One has to respond, right?
I used to try to explain to him, I am not your mum.
But he’s just 18 months old, what does he know?
(This was taken at his Childcare’s Mother’s Day celebration.
I went, so that he would not be left out of the celebration)

When he wants to share a snack and there is someone who doesn’t mind taking it from his fingers which had just a moment ago, been in his mouth.

When he’s terribly excited and there is someone whom he could hug and grasp tightly in his arms and hands (often scratching, slapping and flicking our spectacles off from our faces!)

When something catches his eye, be it a colourful balloon, a hopping sparrow, or the flickering of the sunlight through the leaves, and there is someone who could look at the same, and say “yes it is interesting.”

When he says “ba boo”, and “ba bo”, and there is someone to repeat and reflect what he says back to him. (After a while, he would start smiling and laughing happily, and I would too, not because it is funny in itself… but I don’t know why… it’s just pure joy)

When he moves to the music and there is someone who could dance along with him.

It was not like that for him 3 months ago. He had no one he could connect with.

I don’t know when he crossed the lines, and became just like a typical child. He became easier and easier to parent as the days went by. He stopped waking up so often at night. He stopped throwing tantrums when he could not get what he wants. We enjoy so many lovely moments with him nowadays – moments when he would take my hand, and put it all over his face; moments when he would just look at me and smile.

Today, he shared his “toy” (which is just an empty plastic container) with another child. He addressed the child, who is just about 3-4 months younger than him, “baby”. The interaction was so lovely to watch because he was not like that at first. He did not like children. He was possessive of his things, and suspicious of all children, often pushing the “Tor tor”s away.

I don’t know how many of these moments are going to remain permanently with him.

If you are a potential foster parent, and you are reading this, is this your question too? Do you wonder how it will be when he returns back to his own home and family? Do you wonder whether it would be painful for him to have had such moments, and to lose them? Do you wonder whether it would be too painful for YOU to have earned such moments for him, and to have them lost and be helpless to do anything about it because really, he is not your child?

To me, the answer is clear. It is better to have had  such moments, no matter how temporary, and pray that they will last, than to have never had them at all. The existence of these moments indicates to me and to him, that he IS at his core, a lovely child. No matter what happens to him in future, whether his behaviour changes or not, I would know that what we see today, is what he is capable of, just being who he is.

“Baby, you are special to God. You are going to do great things for God.”

I speak that to him often. It only takes a few moments to look at him in the eyes, and say those few words.

“Baby remember that, you are special to God. You are going to do great things for God. You are going to do great and mighty things for God”

This is a fostering story. For more details, please visit my page “Fostering in Singapore“.