Give them roots and wings

Tomorrow is the day. I’d pass him to his new foster mother, and he’d sleep in a new bed, in a new home.

He’s so familiar with our house now. When I tell him it’s time to sleep, he’d walk into the bedroom. When I say “pom pom” he’d walk to the bathroom.

The words that kept coming into my head these few days were “He doesn’t know.. He has no idea.. Absolutely no idea.. “

Life is as per normal for him. He has got no idea what’s going through my mind as I watch him eat, smiling and nodding happily in approval, or screw up his face and cry because I scolded him for misbehaving. Baby, oh baby. Would you be smiling or crying tomorrow? Would you know why? Would there be fear or an emptiness in your heart?

He trusts me. At bed time he’d take my hand and put it on his face. I lie on the floor next to him as he lies on his bed. Sometimes he’d sit up and when he sees me, he’d lie back down again.

Last night, about an hour after he slept, he got up crying. I went into the room and comforted him, and he went easily back to sleep.

He treats me as his mum. He calls me “mum”, just like the other three.

I am sorry baby. I am so, so sorry.

He would never know how much tears I shed for him. He’d only know that the reassuring female presence he had known for so long, has gone away.

It was never my intention to end the fostering pre-maturely. It’s not good for the child. The fault is all mine. I take full responsibility. I can’t explain myself. No explanation will ever be reason enough for me to break faith with a child.

But I have no regrets being his mom for these months. If I were to relive my life, even knowing everything which I know now, I’d still choose to care for him.

I know it made a difference to him. He was really happy with us. We were a very good family for him. We loved him very much.

My encouragement to the person who’s reading this remains the same – foster a child, with whatever you have. It’s difficult and painful, at times lonely, because not many can understand. I did it with a simple child-like faith.  Some call me foolish, or irresponsible, but I know I touched the heart of God.

So do it anyway.

This is a fostering story. For more details, please visit my page “Fostering in Singapore“.