Give them roots and wings

Tonight I had the honour of attending the “Special Tribute Dinner for Bishan East Pioneer Generation”.

It was lovely seeing so many elderly at one place.
It was very moving, because the organisers had
so much respect for the guests.

I am now so proud of Singapore, not because it is successful economically or it is a good place to raise families, but because it knows how to honour its elderly.

I think it’s not easy to love the elderly. They are slow and often can’t hear well. They may be sickly, naggy, forgetful and irritating.

It’s easy to ignore them because most of them just quietly try to cope with their old age on their own, not wanting to trouble or burden their children.

They love their children. Just like how I love my children.

I love it when my children love me back. I get hurt when they don’t. Then why is it that I don’t express love towards my parents the same way?

For some people, it is because they didn’t actually receive the love from their parents. But that’s not my story. My parents didn’t hug and kiss me much when I was growing up, but they lived for us.

Even after I became a mother, they took care of my kids when I worked. Even after I became a full time home maker, my mum cooked dinners for me, and my dad helped to fetch my kids sometimes.

They kept on giving to me.

We went together to Australia last year.
It was nice seeing the grandparents enjoy the children,
and the children enjoying the grandparents.

While I give to them too, I know I don’t feel love towards them the same way I feel towards my children. Feelings are not something we can artificially create, but I always wish I could give them the devotion which they really deserve.

The truth is, I was a rebellious youth. I hated the control and intrusion into my life. There were many negative feelings and thoughts. It’s incomprehensible how good and loving I can be as a mother, and how despicable I can be in my other roles.

It is an unacceptable state of being, so I keep on trying, to honour them, and to learn to express devotion towards them.

I decided that I shall stop trying to make my parents understand me. I should understand them. I try to consider them better than me. I try to allow them to be the weaker party and I be the stronger one. I try to meet their needs the way they want them met, and allow them to meet my needs the way they want to. It is an uphill task because I’ve allowed myself to be insolent for so long. And I pray, because only God can change a heart.

Now they are staying with me. They know what time we sleep, and what time we get up, because they wake up several times a night and get up early. They see how we leave the dishes unwashed after each meal because we are rushing out of the house. They hear us scold and shout at our kids. They see how messy our house really is… (when it is not made tidy for guests, whom they used to be…) They’re not very intrusive by nature, but they do intrude by their mere presence.

But what a blessing to be able to stay together with them. God has given me the chance to learn to honour them, and I must learn it.

The grandparents’ room allows Sam to sleep with them.
So that’s what he did for two nights.
My parents room remind me so much of my own granny’s room –
 – the smell of medicated oil, the radio playing, and the soft light turned on.

There is only one way to expand our hearts. It is to choose to love, no matter what the cost is. It is easy to love a child, even if he’s not ours. Children are so adorable. It is harder to love the elderly, even if they are ours.

Honour is so difficult to give, because it is not as emotional as loving a baby, or feeling romantic love towards someone. But it is in a way, a trait of higher value, because it demonstrates a mature relationship among peers or with someone of a higher position – we honour our spouse, a friend, our parents, an authority figure, or God. Love can be given from the stronger to the weaker, but honour can only be given among equals, or from the weaker to the stronger. It requires us to humble ourselves, and in some ways, that is harder than loving because humility is so tough to bear.

I know this is the lesson I have to learn in this season of my life. I know it because my personal circumstances happened so such that I have to learn it (or choose to live in strife, and lose credibility as a parent). At the same time, the non-profit organisation Honour Singapore was started, and then the opportunity to attend tonight’s Pioneer Generation dinner.

I do not believe in coincidences. So I know God will lead me, and help me learn what it means to give honour, the same way He taught me what it means to “give up my Issac”, so as to love His child.