Give them roots and wings

Today I told Samuel that we may never see baby again, as he has found a better home. After hearing that, Samuel burst out crying. He said that when he grows up, he will find out where baby stays and go and look for him. Poor boy. He felt forcibly separated from his subject of affection and since he was helpless as a child, he imagined that he would be able to solve it when he grows up.

I am sorry, Samuel, this is simply our way of continuing to love him. 

We did see baby once after we separated.
It was a wonderful reunion. He was so delighted to see Elias,
he hugged his legs and would not let go.
We had a wonderful morning together,
but when I returned him back to his new foster mother, he did not look at me.
I believe he was trying to cope with the separation.
We would love to see him again, but it would be because we miss him,
not necessarily the other way round.
He has now settled down in another home
and perhaps it is better for him to forget us
since each reunion will result in pain again, when the separation occurs.

Some time back, Melanie sent me her book titled “The adventures of Squirky the Alien – Why am I blue?“. It is a story about adoption. It is a nice adoption story in that Squirky (the name of the alien who was adopted by the human family) had a letter from his parents about why he had to be given up. In it, his parents wrote “please tell him that his papa and mama love him very much.”

I received the book at about the same time when we were agonising over the separation. It was an irony, because at that time, I felt that I was like a birth mother who had to give up her child for adoption.

When I became a mother, I was fiercely protective of my children. I could not imagine ever giving any one of them up. My own relative success in being a good mother made me proud. It was easy to become pleased with myself and to start feeling self-righteous and critical of other mothers who did a worse job.

Parents like to use this quote to comfort themselves
when childless people criticise them.
The truth is, some parents are our worst enemies.
Some people seem to be perfect and have perfect kids.
They are the ones who make me feel worst about myself.
I did not have perfect kids, but I am sure I was obnoxious sometimes too.
I am sorry! Truly.

Then, I had baby. Then, I had to give him up.

When I went through that experience, I came to realise how a birth mother, who has to give up her baby feels. I experienced a weakness and brokenness which I had never experienced before. Prior to that, I have always thought that there was no problem I could not solve and no situation I could not change with love, prayer and faith.

It was true to some extent – baby was completely transformed. But it was not something I could bring to completion. I had fully intended to bring up him till he reaches adulthood, the way I would do for my own children, or have him reintegrated into his family of origin. But I could not, and it broke me. The pain was all the more deeper, because it was so difficult to explain myself and make myself understood. In the beginning I tried, but later I stopped because I realised it was impossible. No one can truly understand because they are not me. 

I knew then, that any mother who had to give up her child, feels a brokenness that no one else can understand. I learnt too, that in some situations in life, it is not helpful asking questions, or even trying to rationalise for that person, but to just continue to love the person in other ways, and let the person heal on his/her own.

I don’t think about baby much. I don’t dare to, and I don’t see how useful it would be to think about him, since there was nothing I can do about the emotions I will feel when I think about him. I have learnt to be pragmatic, not because my heart has become hardened, but I think I have become wiser.

I have learnt, that there are problems which I can solve, and there are problems which I cannot. I will work on those which I can solve, and leave the rest to God. Emotions will come, but let them be my fuel to live more effectively instead of draining my energy.

I suppose that would be how any mother who had to give up her child, or anyone who has suffered a tragedy or brokenness would feel. Life has to go on, and they have to find some way to go on.

I have become less judgemental and critical, because I realised that there are many stories behind those eyes that I do not know about, and have no capacity to understand even if I do know. They may look happy, but belong to a heart full of sadness. They may look angry but belong to a heart full of pain. They may look unkind but belong to a heart full of true love. I do not know and in fact, it is not my business to know.  My job is to love and serve the people in my life, not to change them, the way I had wanted to do with baby.

I was asked today, when I would be available to foster again. My honest answer is that I do not know. Another big lesson that I have learnt, is not to be presumptuous. I know that time is not now, and that is all I need to know.

But God has a way of opening a window when He closes a door, although the statement I like better is from John 12:24 “Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds”.

Despite what I felt was a poor example of fostering, I continue to get to know families who are considering (some of whom have decided on) fostering through this blog. I was truly very encouraged.

One has even started blogging too. Her blog is Our Fostering Journey – Love beyond kinship. In her blog, she gave useful details about the fostering application process and what she did to prepare her own children. More importantly, she is a social worker by profession and shared convincingly about why fostering is the next best solution for children who have to be removed from their families temporarily.

Fostering (and Adoption) is indeed the next best thing for a child who has to be removed from his/her family of origin. If you can, will you?

You will not be able to solve every problem the child has, but he would at least know that he matters enough for you to make room in your heart and life for him. You may not be able to change the child, who might continue to pine for his family of origin no matter how good you are to him, but you can always simply love him.

This is a fostering story. For more details, please visit my page “Fostering in Singapore“.

(A note to adoptive parents, or parents who had to give up their children for adoption : I am sorry if I had been presumptuous and wrong in my reflections about how you feel as a adoptive parent or parent who had to give your child up for adoption. This was simply a reflection from my personal experience which is limited.)