Give them roots and wings

In our recent Malaysia trip, we went water rafting. (We went with Riverbug, for the Gopeng, Perak tour. It was good!).

It was great fun. I felt as if I was on a  Geographic documentary, it was surreal.

I was rather nervous when we first started because I am such a coward. But the staff took really good care of us, so I felt rather safe soon after.

I once read a book on parenting teenagers, and the author described the teenage years as riding through the rapids. I must say that I totally agree. I often feel that I am falling through the sky, not knowing where I would land.

Do we worry about their academic results? Perhaps poor results do not signal the end of my child’s future, but poor results reflect poor organisational skills, time management, focus, diligence and perseverance, and I worry about those.

Do we worry about their character? Yes, but can we really instruct someone to be loving, gentle and patient? That comes from the inside out and after doing all that we can in the earlier years, we can now only sit back and watch what comes out from them. It is nerve-wrecking.

Recently, I met a dad of two young pre-schoolers, and he asked the usual questions that Singaporean parents have – what CCAs do they do, what enrichment programs do I send them for, and whether I send them for tuition. When the questions came to my teenagers, I told him (with exasperation in my voice, I am sure, because I felt exasperated, not at him, but at the sudden realisation of how far removed parents really are from what is really important), that their studies will be the least of his concerns. He would be worried about how to communicate with them, and how to convince them that our faith is real. (Because to a Christian, there is nothing more important than the soul of a person).

I don’t think I made any impression on him… but I don’t blame him.

When my kids were pre-schoolers, and all through their primary school years, I hardly worried about their character. My kids were brought up well. They are relatively well-mannered and well-behaved. They know all the model answers – love, always forgive, be kind, etc. There was no reason for me to think that they would grow up into wicked people. I was just worried that they would fail their exams or get poor results.

Well, now I am not so sure. You see, before that, they were really easy to control. (Yes, I CONTROL them!) I knew how to manage them because they were basically guileless and did not know that they had the option of rebelling. So when they behaved well, it was because they have basically not really understood that they have the choice to disobey.

Now suddenly they realise that they can say “no” to all my Advice, polite Requests, Demands, and Threats (ARDT) and there was nothing I could do about it, unless I choose to do that which was immoral or illegal, and tempting as they were, they were not possible options either because then I would lose all credibility with them and lose all influence. Catch 22.

I have become powerless. 

EXCEPT of course, that they still love me, and they know that I love them and everything which I do for them, and which I ARDT them to do, senseless though some of them might be according to their newly discovered brilliance, are motivated by love. So sometimes, when they are in the mood, they would acquiescence.

Yes,  they think they are very smart now, and while they do believe that all of mum’s ARDT are for their good, they think that *that mum ah* does not always know what’s best for them or what works for them.

Well, tsk, tsk, they are MOSTLY wrong, because unbeknownst to them, or perhaps, unwillingtobeacceptedst by them, I still have the benefit of experience and greater wisdom. Of course, they have the potential to be wiser than me because they are standing on my shoulders (GET IT, SONS? You are smarter because I made you smarter). But for now, it would do them better if they would listen to me more.

Well, I have to let go. Otherwise I lose total dignity as a mum, and will lose their respect.

I am learning to worry less about them, and talk more to God than to them about their school results and how they should live/think/feel (*translate – Do not preach or nag) . I am learning to enjoy the world with them, the way we used to when they were very young – when the world was mainly for our enjoyment and not for education or as a stepping stone towards prosperity or future success.

Besides praying for them, we have discovered another effective way of influencing them, and that is letting them read other people’s articles and listen to other people’s talks. There are loads of these available on the internet, here’s a list of things which we have sent to our kids:-

– Jokes (Exchanges between the pilot and the control tower)
– Life skills (Multitasking causes us to lose focus, how to be punctual, posture)
– Economics & Politics (The US Debt,Corruption, Entitled to your own opinion, Sense of entitlement)
– Science & Technology (Corning Glass, F15 on one wing, USB devices)
– Trivia (Boardgame)

They in turn, would share with us things which they enjoy – pictures, videos and games.

I have one who loves watching video, and another who loves playing games. The first is always sharing with me videos after videos of seemingly similar videos…. the other one is often playing on his own, but when he and I have quite some time together (e.g. when standing in line for something), I would get him to tell me all about his games and he can do that for a long time. (He reads the wiki on the games, and he is quite the walking wiki himself).

So it can be quite fun being parents to teenagers, if I would just do as they say – “Chillax, mum”.

We’d go along with the flow, paddle as needed, pick up whoever falls off the raft, get off whatever rocks we get stuck on, and enjoy the ride. The next stage of the journey will arrive sooner than we expect.