Give them roots and wings

Proverbs 31 : 10 -31 are verses which every Christian woman hold dearly to her heart.

We all want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. It reminds me of the Chinese saying “进得了厨房，出得了厅堂”. Literally, it means you are as good in the kitchen as you are in the living room. It implies that you are effective both at home and in the larger social and commercial sector.

Proverbs 31 describes a certain kind of woman. Out of the 22 verses, 3 verses directly refers to her conducting business.

Verse 16 “She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.”
Verse 18 “She sees that her trading is profitable.”
Verse 24 “She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.”

In addition, there are 4 verses which refers to how her work as a weaver benefits her household directly.

Verse 13 “She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.”
Verse 19 “In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.”
Verse 21 “When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.”
Verse 22 “She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.”

It is clear that she is extremely industrious and 3 verses described that.

Verse 15 “She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.”
Verse 17 “She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.”
Verse 27 “She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”

This is what a woman in Siera Leone does in a day.
(Source : FAO – http://www.fao.org/docrep/x0262e/x0262e16.htm)

She is also generous and compassionate.

Verse 20 “She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.”

The five verses relating to her husband describes a woman who provides for her husband’s every need.

Verse 11 “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.”
Verse 12 “She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”
Verse 23 “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”
Verse 28, 29 “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.'”

The source of what she does is the fear of the Lord.

Verse 30 “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

I have always wanted to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I think of her as someone who “Has it all” – she juggles her career, home and charitable works and looks good at the same time. But somehow, when I read it, the parts about how industrious she is, and how effective she is in doing everything overshadows the parts on how she “brings her husband good”.

I don’t know about you wives out there, but one lesson that I constantly am reminded to learn, is that of how to really love my husband. I often have uncharitable thoughts about how little he does and how much I do. Some of these thoughts flow out of my heart as direct remarks at him (*OUCH*) or in my attitude towards him (*ouch*)

In that respect, the Amplified bible has done a lot for me.

Once I was reading the book of Ephesians, and I came to Eph 5:33. In the NIV, it says “.. and the wife must respect her husband”.

But I was reading the Amplified bible, and it says “… and the wife [must see to it] that she respects and delights in her husband [that she notices him and prefers him and treats him with loving concern, treasuring him, honoring him, and holding him dear].”

After I read that, I told God : No, I don’t do that. Far from it.

Hmm… To protect the innocent, I shall not comment.

Why is it that after being a Christian wife for so many years, I have not yet learnt that lesson? In fact, I think many Christian wives suffer the same thing. I think there are three reasons.

Number 1. Our priorities are wrong.

If we have children, we place our children’s needs above our husband’s needs. It is easy to place the children above the husband. It is difficult to compete with an adorable, helpless baby. Children have the ability to occupy a large part of our hearts, and many mothers never let their children go even as they grow up to be teenagers and even adults.

With or without children, we place the beauty of our home above our husband’s needs. For a woman, her Home is her pride. No matter how successful she might be in her career, a woman is judged a lot by how her home looks, and it takes a very secure woman to face up to that.

This is really funny. I can relate 🙂
And actually, it takes A LOT of effort to keep the house
neat and comfortable for everyone.

For those of us who are working, we may in fact place our work above our husband. If we work for the money, there is often the sense of bitterness that the husband is not providing sufficiently for the family. If we work for self-actualisation, then of course work would mean a lot to us.

So this will often be the order “Children, Home, Work, Husband”.

Number 2. We think that we are doing it all for the good of the husband.

Human beings are inherently selfish and self-centered. I am the same.

Let me be honest here. When I think about the husband and wife being “one”, I think of it as my husband being co-opted into my being. You see, this is what I think :”I know what is best for everyone – for you, my husband (yes, you are the head of the household, but you really don’t know how to do it well), for the home and for the children. So everyone should follow my instructions and then all will be well. I am working very hard all the time – 24/7 – and it is all for everyone of you, because I know best. So everyone should all work the way I am working, and work as hard as me.

If you don’t, you are lazy, stupid and disobedient to God”.
The truth is, that I am wrong. But I choose to be deceived because I like to be absolutely right, all the time.

Number 3. We are very capable (and we despise those who are not as capable as us).

I have found that women can be extremely disciplined. I can only speak from the perspective of a woman who became a mother, because it was mainly the children who drove me to become who I am today.

After the children came, I had no problems waking up early, and sleeping late, because that was what I needed to do to meet their baby needs. After more children came and they started growing up, I learnt how to do everything efficiently so that I can continue to work and provide the children financially yet spend enough time with them. As they started formal schooling, I had to develop patience and gain the skills to coach them in their studies. As they became teenagers, I had to learn to be disciplined in my prayers because I realised that only prayers can change their hearts. As I grew older and my body started to give way, I had to ensure I had sufficient sleep, and that I pick up exercising, which means I needed to be even more efficient in the way I live my days.

I could do it all and more if my children needed me to. We are motivated purely by our love for our children.

While all that is well and good, the lack of similar actions on the part of our husband perplexes and infuriates us. We think that because they don’t do what we do, they do not love the kids and home the way we do.

This is not the first time I am writing about the arrogance of a wife. (Read this : I cannot do it without you and this : Give my husband a new wife.). This is a lesson which comes to me again and again. I have really tried to change but it is so difficult! I love myself so much and I love my capabilities so much! I think so highly of myself, and I am so proud of myself nearly all the time! It is terrible.

I need to keep changing.

I am a Christian.
But I am no different from those who are not.
We all have the same fallen nature.
The only difference is that I have the blood of Jesus covering me
and the Holy Spirit guiding and strengthening me.
Everyone struggles through life, on this earth.
But Christ has made it possible for heaven to be here on earth…
for my marriage to become closer and closer to the perfection of heaven,
and further and further away from the pain of earth.

So the latest is Ephesians 5:33. I wrote the whole verse out and have it pasted up. I used to pray it everyday, but I had stopped because there were many other urgent things to pray for, and I dropped that without knowing.

Two days ago I showed the verse to my husband. He didn’t say anything unkind. He was more kind-of amused. He has no wickedness in his heart towards me. He is such a good man.

Women are really difficult to live with.
Sherman’s so sweet. (Sherman’s the male shark).

Over the years as I learned to listen to him more, I found that he has many good ideas. Different, but proven to be better. In fact, this little-old-sinful-me was quite surprised and shocked. (Which shows the extent of my arrogance. Gosh).

Hear, hear. Please remember, and don’t be naughty anymore.

So here are three reasons why I will continue to strive to love my husband.

Number 1 : I have three sons. I want their wives to love them with the same unconditional and undying devotion I had towards them as young children… and to treat them with the same patience and respect I gave them as teenagers (undeserving as they might be). My husband was someone’s son too. Why should I expect anyone to treat my son with kindness if I do not treat another woman’s son with kindness? (I suppose the same can apply to daughters, although slightly differently).

Number 2 : My life is bound with his. It will rise and fall with him. I can have no success apart from him. It will be meaningless anyway. I do not wish to live a life, however successful it may be, apart from him.

Number 3 : It doesn’t matter what he does. The question is what do I do… will I do right… do I choose to grow… do I choose to live in the light and give life… whatever it is?

I teach the children this lesson all the time – that there are only two options – life or death – and you must make a choice. This whole world is moving towards death all the time. By not choosing, you will naturally move towards death. How can I not live out what I teach them? For as long as God gives me strength, I will strive for life and love.

I love the following quote:-

If I want a more godly husband, then I must be a godly wife. In seeking me out, he will find God. How beautiful.

In writing this post, I found that the Amplified bible says this about Prov 31 :12 “She comforts, encourages and does him only good as long as there is life within her.” Nice…

So ok, I shall continue to strive to be a Proverbs 31 and a Ephesians 5:33 woman.