Give them roots and wings

My blog has just been restored. Some days ago, I found, to my horror, that I could not find my blog. Upon investigation, I realised that I had failed to renew my web-hosting. The long and short of it was that my blog has now been restored.

It was a scare and it made me realise how much I value this blog. Through the process, I also found out that I had one new subscriber – despite me not having blogged for about 9 months (!)

Thanks to those who are still reading my blog.

It gets harder and harder to blog, not just because my dearest children are teenagers (one just turned 20!) and they are not thrilled to have their photos/ videos/ life-stories put on public display (at least, they want to be the one to tell/show it, and be the one to get the attention instead of me!), but also because I have so many struggles as a parent.

For a long time, I knew where my life was going and how I was going to raise my children. I had a vision and I had plans. But many things did not turn out the way I thought they would. I realised then, that I no longer know how my story as a parent, or my children’s life stories will develop.

How can I share today’s joys when they could easily turn into mourning tomorrow? How can I share today’s pains and darkness when I still cannot see the way out, or at least the meaning behind them? How can I talk about giving my children roots and wings when they may end up having neither?

I wanted my stories to give hope and inspiration, or at worst be a cautionary tale. It is difficult telling a story when you are unsure of its ending.

We took this picture after completing the Pete’s Maze at Khao Yai.
We loved mazes because it is fun to get lost and found together.
Hopefully, this will be a reflection of our lives together too
– that we may get lost, but we will find each other at the end.
If nothing else, this blog reminds me of how beautiful my family is,
and that it is worth fighting for.

I am both encouraged and discouraged through reading my posts [A sampling: I am a mum, No Selfishness to hook, and Forgive me, for doing everything wrong]. Encouraged because they speak into my spirit and strengthen my heart. Discouraged because it seems I have struggled for so long. Why does it take so long? Am I just of bad character? Do I lack perseverance, consistency or grace? But of course, the posts are always encouraging so I pretend that the mother in the post is not me, but someone else who is still trying, and so I keep trying.

Once (that was long ago) when I was very angry,
I asked my son whether he is trying to make me give up on him (something to that effect).
He said that he knows I will not, because he knows I will not want to let him down.
I didn’t know whether to rejoice or lament.
I guess I should be honoured that he thinks so highly of me.
(My children are now old enough to enjoy Rick Astley ;))

Just today, a friend send me this article, in which there was the following quote, explaining chronos (chronological or sequential time) and kairos (right, critical or opportune time):

That time which breaks through chronos with a shock of joy, that time we do not recognize while we are experiencing it, but only afterwards […] The artist at work is in kairos. The child at play, totally thrown outside herself in the game, be it building a sandcastle or making a daisy chain, is in kairos.

I know now, that my stories, although placed in chronos, paints a picture of a kairos moment in my life. No one but God knows how my chronos life will turn out.  But each kairos moment is a divine encounter between God, me and my family. It is to reveal God. It is to teach me. It is a gift. It could be transient, but I could give it some permanence and even multiply it, if I tell it.

We took this picture last December, in Khao Yai.
This was at a winery. We stumbled upon a playground.
We loved playgrounds. You can hardly find such installations in Singapore nowadays.
The guys are perfectly balanced in this photo.
We are full of joy. We are in bliss. We are fully in this moment.
This is our khairos moment.

It is worth writing about every kairos moment, even if I do not know where it will lead me the next moment. Each moment is precious, because it is real and it is all that I have.

I leave you now, with this video – let us cherish our kairos moments.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pw4nYanJ8Cs